A Haiku Self Perspective

How can I be me

When every time I move out

The past holds me back

--

How can I be me

When every time I walk tall

The past drives me down

--

How can I be me

When every time I sing loud

The past says "Quiet"

--

How can I be me

When every time I see light

I hide in the dark

--

Why does a small voice

Keep saying to me, daily

You're not worthy, stop

--

Is that really me?

A star, shining in the dark?

Being seen by none?


If this is the way I've been living for the last 40 years, how am I ever to really understand the remaining time between now, and the time of my passing?

What will I have done?  Self-denial of ability, putting up with mediocrity in everyone who is supposed to be helping me thrive, and not lifting a finger of my own body to do anything about it, because "I Feel Tired?"

Truth is, I'm tired all the time.  I have seemingly lost the will to dream, let alone create.  And that is the crux of the entire matter:  Creation.

I've accepted a lot from others, tried to learn from within my society's version of education, and have fallen flat on my face in failure, each and every time.  No advancement.  No learning.  No completion.

And that incompleteness has forced me to pay a price.  Socially, anyway.  And I am devastated in this, in that I am not able to participate in thriving friendships with people who have spirit, people who have energy, and people who share the same compassion I have in my heart.

Instead, I am only able to form superficial relationships outside of my own family.  I have a loving companion, and she is the dearest one akin to perfection I have ever met.

Myself, however, I do not hold in such high regard.  I feel lousy on a daily basis.  Lousy because I have not advanced one iota, save for minescule baby steps that make a Model T look like a dragster.

My heart is seemingly closed, and doesn't want to yield up it's secrets to me.  All I hear about is why people are inherently guilty, for even being born.  My mind rails against this blasphemy of the Human Spirit, and I feel empowered those times, but only for short periods, the energy required to maintain the feelings of empowerment being overwhelming to my senses, and so, eventually, it ebbs.

I have so much to offer, I feel, if I could only find a gateway, a portal, and the latch and valve that would allow the bursting forth of creative urge and means to achieve that end, in whatever chosen goal.

Right now, though, I am stagnant.  I have little reserve and sleep most of the day, and night.  I am quiet, like the little words inside my head want me to be.  All they say is "sleep".

Well, I am tired, but not of wanting to begin to create.  I am tired of sleeping, and desire, truthfully, to fully Wake Up and Be!

When will that happen?  When I Am Awake.  Fully!

--The Humble Fishe