Tuesday, November 14, 2006

HumFisheKu for November

Yearnings of the past

Fate grasping for a lost heart

Spirit dancing home


I am at a stage now in my life where I am not sure of where I am going or where I 've been. Have any of you out there ever been there, now, where I am? I'm sure many of you have.

I don' t know what it is that I'm seeking. Everything seems elusive, tenuous, filmy, foglike, and cloudy. Nothing is solid. Even the good ol' solid Earth under my feet and around me seems to be wavering of late. I feel lost in time.

Time. That is one elusive construct. To me, it doesn't seem so far from the days of my youth. I'm not elderly at 41, but I still can almost taste the ice cream cones, if you know what I mean? The thing is, everyone else around me has seemingly grown up and I feel like I've been left behind.

The emotions from the past are so strong, it's like they're calling me back, calling me...home? I've never felt as if I've ever been home since I moved out of my parent's house. I've never had a house of my own. Heck! I live in an RV for crying out loud! That's not to say I'm not an RV nut--don't get me wrong, I am--but at least other people who own RV's also own some private land to keep it on, a garage to keep it in, and a house to go back to. Some people even own two houses, if they're well-heeled enough.

What that last sentence should articulate to everyone is: "...if they've prepared correctly." That's my problem. I'm 41 and I'm not prepared for anything. I've done poorly at school all my life, and have been virtually shunned by people of my own peer groups. High school was bad enough, but my middle and elementary school years were hell! I wouldn't want to re-live them at all, except to go back in time, present myself as a representative of the state educational dept., and give some of my former so-called 'teachers' (and I use the term loosely, very loosely) a run down on what not to do with a particular student.

So where does that leave me now? Pining for the days of yore, that's certain. But also desiring to be able to accept where I've been with grace and push forward with vim, vigor, and a renewed and matured energy, the likes of which I've never had in my younger days. So what do I do, kind readers, what do I do?

I'm camping on a crossroads in my life, longing for more solid lodgings. I need something, something that is calling me back. Something...a part of my Spirit that was left behind or something. or something... left behind... I need to help that lost part of me find home. Here I go...