This post is a reply to another blog, which, as of July 19, 2016 11:23pm (Local Time), is, Ahem! "Currently Awaiting Moderation." (Actually, I think the blog poster thought it was too long.) Here's the link:
Read the above first, then read my response. It sums up what is happening, currently, in my life at this time.
(Note: My apologies to each and everyone who may be mentioned, or implied, in this post. I'm 50 years old! I am cordial, and considerate, but this is my blog, about my feelings, and, unfortunately, sometimes feelings also involve others. Anyone involved is free to change their minds--and sieze and change the nature of their relationship(s) with me--at any time.)
I'm fifty as of last October (2015), and, after eleven years of marriage, am looking at a divorce. We didn't have any children, so that simplifies things a bit (both of us just too busy with our own involvements for child rearing), but, at least for me, there's something I've just figured out: Being Alone Ain't All That Bad! :-)
Granted, the bed isn't as warm (the cat just doesn't the job as well as the wife!), but I've learned something about this incident. The past two years of my life have been spent, not with my betrothed, but waiting around while she went to amusement parks and wineries with her friends, to the "Gym, Totally!" (obsession), and not including me in the trips.
When I finally asked her to include me in some of the outings with her and her friends (I had to go this route, as I couldn't do anything without them in tow on her days off), she reacted badly, accused me of "imposing" on her social group (I suppose I was.), and we had a rather loud, verbal argument about the subject.
This went on for a total of about two-and-a-half (2.5) years before I finally had no choice but to move out of my cockroach-laden apartment (that's another story all together; she had already moved back in with Mommy and Daddy, who would not take me in!), and move over eight-hundred (800) miles away to another state where my sister was living.
I now realize, nine months later (no baby involved, heh!) that I, Ahem!, *Needed To Move!* I also realize that I needed the time alone and apart to Really Really Deal with my learning disability issues, which have followed me since childhood.
I couldn't have done this without all the people that Life, Itself, put in my path, both with jobs, and kindnesses I never experienced (much) when I was living with my wife.
Now, after all this time, dating is the furthest thing from my mind. I enjoy social encounters, but one thing does ring true for me, and always has: I'm Weird.
I'm writing, for example, a "metaphysical fantasy-romance." Who does that? I'm at over 40,000 words right now, and it's progressing nicely. I don't believe I'd be able to focus on it, had I not moved when I had the chance. (Certainly not with her 'possy' in tow, let me tell you!)
I've never really had a career "like everybody else" What the hell does that mean, anyway? I mean, I read the above bullet points of what "normalcy" (to you) entails, so let's compare those to mine:
Never having been married - After my upcoming divorce (assumed), I will have been married twice. So that one's okay
Never having had kids and/or not wanting them - Still don't. However, that can change, especially if I meet someone younger with a child, that likes an older male.
Not being a Christian or Jew - I'm a Pagan person, so that's not really an issue for me. I just date Pagan people, or at least, Unitarians, which Are Just Find and Dandy with Me! (Unitarian/Universalism is, in fact, a fork off the early Congregational Church.)
Not having been in a relationship for a long time - Eleven years. I guess that's me.
Not being slavishly devoted to money - I've had a lot, I've had a little, Had a lot again, Had little again. Get the picture? Money that is had definitely is better than not having it, but if you're not Warren Buffet, it's a bit hard to base a relationship on something you're not able to really hang onto for very long. I am, however, working to change this around to the plus side, which can only help me in the long run.
Not having a prestigious white-collar career - Give Me A Break! Not Me, Not Me, Not Me!
Not being blissfully happy about everything all the time - I'm sorry, but my unicorn has a broken horn, my white light has to be replaced with a new, higher-intensity LED at the time and the factory's out, and my subscription to WonkaWorld™ Monthly just got swept up into a storm drain during the last thunderstorm. Other than that, I'm Not Half Bad ;-), and, for me, at this time, is better than a sharp stick in the eye. (In short, relative to how I view and feel about myself, emotionally... "I'm Working On It!")
Not being overtly conformist - I've never been overtly conformist. Granted, I obey laws, am not likely to protest (at all), abuse any controlled substances (at all, period, nada, ad-infinitum!), drive outside the boundaries of the law (Driving is like, A God, to me! And one doesn't blaspheme to the God (or Goddess, for that matter! ;->). I don't seek confrontation. Introverts don't do that. Usually. Unless forced out of necessity to stand up for themselves. Once. Loudly. With emphasis, elocutory (is that a word?) elegance, spunk, and moxie! Then we shut up, go back to our cave, and meditate on the Weird Science Project we'd been working on before being interrupted by society And We Like It That Way! (I really can't say anything more on this one!)
Not being sufficiently extroverted - If I want extrusion, I'll go to an aluminum sheet metal factory. Oh, I meant extrovursion. (Another 'word?'). I can speak as a near-expert on this subject. I like people. Certain kinds of people. One Defining Characteristic: They're All Weird, Like Me! :-).
The actual truth of the matter, is that I get along with a lot of people, both extroverts and introverts (like myself, and different). The only person I really couldn't have a relationship with is one who is exceedingly OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I tried that once, and it was a disaster!
So, what does this end up being for me?
I'm comfortable being a little out of the mainstream. I haven't been by any sense of needing to be. Life just ended up that way. I have learned to accept people who are also different. Read: Weird!
The learning disabilities kept me out of the mainstream, and still do, so I had no choice in that matter, or at least, not very much. Oh, I tried to 'buckle down' and 'do the math,' 'do the English Comp 101,' and 'do the 'right thing,'' but, all-in-all, my brain chemistry's knack for not being able to get past Alegebra I has limited my abilities at 'normal school.' (That term amuses, as there were, in the early part of the history of the U.S. "Normal Schools." Makes me wonder what an "Abnormal School" might have been, back in the days? ;->)
Again, what does this end up being for me?
Inventorying 'All of the Above,' and factoring in the immense Relief, Peace, Relative Quiet, Harmony, and the most defining: The Kindnesses I've Experienced From People Where I Am Now, I just don't have a huge need for Having Someone Always Around And In My Bed At Night (or Day) at this late point in my life.
Let me touch on the Kindnesses of Other People for a moment.
When I moved, I had to find a job. And a place to stay. I was able to obtain a two-month "working" residency at a pagan gathering place (it's 180 acres and a 501(c)3 religious organization, a/k/a, "A Church"). I used a gas trimmer to mangle down the long grass on the event grounds, and lived in a small travel trailer on-property for two months.
I had gotten a job delivering pizza for a Pizza Hut restaurant while still at the "Church," and then had to move out. One of older workers--who was a chum of the manager--took my cat into his home, drilled holes in his walls, and made a makeshift gate out of a plastic folding table to keep my cat sequestered whilst his two children took care of my cat while I was sleeping at a freeway rest area during the night. (This lasted for a month an a half before I saved up enough money to move out-of-state!)
When I arrived in my current state of residence, I couldn't stay with my sister. I had to move out of the rented room due to the landlord being a more-than-part-time-drunk, mildly violent idjit-from-hades (with police support on my part, I might add, although it was only one officer, on a Sunday, a friendly sort, and the landlord didn't make a scene. Libras Don't Like Scenes. Especially Introverted Ones. (Is there any other kind? :->)
The point here: All the people I've met, mostly, have been exceedingly kind to me. This kindness is what I should've been receiving--and me also contributing--within my marriage relationship.
Just today I had a meeting with my Vocational Rehabilitation (disability/job services) counselor, who drove over fifty miles to meet with me, today. The truth is that My New Town Is Beautiful, and even VR counselors on loan to a smaller town's VR office, likes to come up to my town for a meeting. Places In The Heart, especially Land Places, bring out a different kind of attitude in people.
My counselor and I ended up talking under a canopy near the local 'opera house' (literally!), in a quiet spot outside of the local library. It's the first meeting I've ever had like that, and It Was Marvelous! Outside, in fresh air, in a very relaxed environment, talking with a person who's helping me find A Real Career for the first time in my life.
When our meeting ended, something occurred that illustrates the reasons that I am Happy To Be Me, Solitary (Although not necessarily, "depressingly alone"), and Glad As Hell That I Moved Here!
Ergo: As I walked back to my apartment complex, a young librarian--whom I had met months before, and with whom I had been chatting just before my counselor came in the library door-walks out of the post office as I was passing by, ten-month-old-baby-on-arm, actually says "Hello" to me, asks me how my meeting went, and offers to by me a soda at the gas station she's heading to on a break.
No one ever did that for me where I was living before. Now it happens on a regular basis.
Could following my own lead, enlightening myself by Being True To Myself, Finally!, and not being just-another-sheep-in-the-herd, be, actually, The Freaking Key To My Happiness And Joy, Once And For All?
You Bloody Well Know It, People! :-D
Good things have been happening to me, at Fifty (50)! More so than at any other time in my life! Enjoy It Folks! It only gets better from here! :-D <3 br="">
Love and Light,